maralyn_munroe

it is strange to think that once you are gone from somewhere, life continues on as it was.
i sit here and listen continuously to songs that remind me of those i miss, i sit and plan out in my head thousands of things i want to say. not big, grand things, little things. things that i wouldn't have to say if i wasn't 8 hours away. things like, i rearranged my room. i'm drinking a beer. things like dont be stupid, you know you're beautiful. i'm used to being able to say these with just a look. and now i cant. i dont really like it at all.

i miss the people who know me. people who know the real me. my insomnia has come back out of the -well not stress- out of the hate of this alone feeling.
i want my best friends back. i want them with me. i want to be with them...

i wonder if anyone even checks this anymore.
checks to see what is happening in my life.
possibly not, because i have not written in so long. apparently, i have not written in here in 25 weeks. nearly half a year.

wow. a lot has happened in half a year.
just to bring you all up to date, i broke up with my fiance, have had two girlfriends, and am now living back in coffs harbour. started a tattoo apprenticeship. i got a chest peice.
rekindled my best friend-ness with morgan. got a gay boyfriend, who is also one of my best friends. nat tops them all though.

i have left a lot of people in wollongong, just as i was making good friends with them all, which slightly dissapoints me, but i guess myspace will prevail. lol.

theres a new girl that i like, and i know she likes me, but im not sure if her ex is going to get in the way of it. i certainly hope not. she said to me last night "i enjoy you" i told her that it was one of the strangest compliments i have ever recieved. which is true.
she doesnt need me, and most people that i have liked need me, and its scares me that i'm wanted, not needed. it is a varying form of attention, and im not particularly used to dealing with it...

i have to look for my own place to stay up here. it is driving me crazy living with my parents and my sisters. sure, the free wireless is great, and not having to pay rent, but just the feeling cramped thing is drving me insane. and josie hasnt stayed over since dad got home =[ i miss snuggling.
oh god. im going to leave it at that incase i get all sappy.

love

what is wrong with me.
i am so amazingly selfish.

i fell in love over night.
i had a crush.
then it was love.
he convinced me i deserve everything i ever wanted.
from cuddles in bed in the morning
to laying under the stars at night


-and he's not the boy im engaged to.

am i really happy?
or is it just because i know he is.
maybe im just comfortable with where i am.
maybe thats why i didnt say much when he didnt even get me a card for our 1 yr, let alone a preasent.


is it selfish to want what you think you may deserve?

or should i just float through?



help

its been an amazingly long time since i've blogged.
since i did anything really.

but heres an update.

i live in wollongong now with my fiance damian.
we had shit go down hobbs style, but now we are more of a couple than ever, after a little bit of just being best friends cuz we just lost what we had.

another boy came on the scene, and i had a crush (which damian fully knows about) but when they hang out, i can compare them both, and at first it all seemed to go chris' way, but damian makes me feel beautiful instead of hot, and loved instead of lusted after. it was a nice confidence boost though.

i have made an awesome bunch of friends down here, and have also rekindled old friendships, which i thought died when i left, on account of talking maybe twice the whole time i was in coffs harbour.

i'm absolutely loving living as close as i do to the beach, i love hearing the waves as i go to sleep and smelling the ocean when i wake up. i'm also loving having my best friends only a 10 min walk away, instead of a 10 hour drive.

i do miss some things about coffs, mainly the way it smells so clean and fresh (bonville anyway)
and the people. i miss the people amazingly.


i got a laptop for christmas, which i am currently on at the moment, and it has made me anti-social.
i also got 3 dining sets for christmas, but we dont have a dining table... at least our cupboards will be full.

i'm excited about going to uni next year, even though i dont know how i'm going to afford living - but at the moment i'm avging about $70 a week anyway, so it cant really get much worse.
i'm going to watch happy feet now, i hope you enjoyed the update on my life, i'll try and write more often, promise

love love

5 skyy vodkas, 2 beers, 1 vodka and redbull, 1 cosmopolitan, 2 peices of chicken and bacon pizza, a whole garlic bread and a cold shower later, i realised just how nontollerant of alcohol i have become. actually, it was during the cold shower. quite gross really.

i have also realised how quickly people change. and not just other people. i have changed too. and i know it.

there wasn't anything you could do that would make me stop loving you. this was probably proved countless times, through random hookups, drunken nights, many raves, new years eve...
there wasn't many things you could do that wouldnt hurt me either. all of these things did. because i could look into your eyes, even when you are smashed, and know that it wasn't the same as what i was feeling, but i guess i brought that on myself.

i'm not writing this to make you feel guilty.

i'm writing this because now i have someone who i found from a drunken night, and now i look into his eyes and i know he could never hurt me. i know that i could never purposely hurt him either. i could never lie to him, or cheat.

but that doesnt stop one asking "what if?"
yes, i'm still asking it.
i know its stupid, because even if i hadn't found him, i know nothing would have happened, thats just how we were.are. but still. it doesnt hurt to ask...yes it does.

i don't know how you did it. or you still do it. no-one has ever made me feel this.
i have never loved anyone like you. i told you that.

i dont know why im bringing this up again.
i promise its not to make you feel guilty.

maybe its so that you can see that it was real. is real.

why is it that we hold one particular place, person, time or object dear? i constantly think of how much of how much better wollongong is than coffs, despite the awesome people here, but in reality, i think that its just anywhere is better than here.

lots of reasons really. one reason is i know i'm drifting from friends and moving away - although its cowardly - seems to allow one to do so with a lot less guilt.

another reason is ther new kids i have been hanging around are going down, and i don't want them to take me too, which they would probably end up doing.

as stupid as it sounds, moving away allows me to care and not do anything about it.

i also want to go because i want to do it by myself. or at leastjust not with my parents help. i want to grow up. i want to struggle. i want to live. i want to start fresh.

i don't want to be jealous. i dont want to wonder what he's thinking. i want to run away from a love i'm not sure will ever fully leave me.

i want to move to prove them wrong.

i want to move to prove to myself i can do it.

The Honesty Survey

1. Honestly, what color is your underwear?
white with green and pink and red flowers on it (no, NOT granny style)

2. Honestly, whats on your mind?
gabe

3. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
thinking about how i can make the answer to the last question more clear than it is

5. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
sometimes

6. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
well, i'm supposed to be working right now

7. Honestly, do you watch disney channel?
sometimes

8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
nuh, not right now

9. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
damian

10. Honestly, do you bite your nails?
i try not to

12. Honestly, have you had an eating disorder?
yes

14. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
yes

15. Honestly, do you have a friend you don't actually like?
wouldn't that un-qualify them as a friend

17. Honestly, are you loyal?
as i can be

18. Honestly, are you in denial?
quite possibly

19. Honestly, who would you rather be right now?
me's good at the moment

20. Honestly, do you like someone?
yes

21. Honestly, does anyone like you?
yes

22. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?
i'm going to marry him




DIFFERENT EMOTIONS SURVEY


*Anger Section*

1. What do you do when you're mad?
honestly? i cut

2. What's the worst thing you've done when you were mad?
beat up my little sister

3. Ever made anyone cry when you were mad?
yes

4. Do you swear when you're mad?
yes


*Crying Section*

1. When was the last time you really cried your heart out
last week

2. Ever cried yourself to sleep?
yes

3. Do you still cry when you get an injury?
sometimes

4. Do certain songs make you cry?
yes

5. What usually makes you cry?
family. stress. gabe. missing natalie


*Happy Section*

1. Are you normally a happy person?
whats normal?

2. What can make you happy?
friends, flowers, hugs, letters in the mail, bowling well, mandarines, my new kitten

3. Does being with your friends make you happy?
stupid question


*Self-Esteem Section*

1. Do you believe in yourself?
i try to. sometimes my negative thoughts get the better of me, but basically i'm me and thats it. damian has increased my belief in myself, cuz h tells me all the time i have what it takes to be anything i want to be, and i know he's telling the truth

2. When people say they think you are good looking/pretty, do you agree or say thank you?
i am learning to say thankyou

3. Are you one of those people that think they are ugly, dumb, and gross?
i have been known to think this from time to time

Did you hear the words I whispered…
I whispered as you slept.
Into the darkness I poured my hopes and dreams
And dreamed of the day you’d whisper back…
Back into memories I am thrown
As you throw me unsure glances.
I know you are unsure of how to act…
Acting is what got me in trouble in the first place…

it seems to me that even though we can move on and put past loves aside, there is still an echo of what might have been...in a hug, in a smile. i'm not saying that i'm not happy, because i am, amazingly. i thought i loved before, but now i'm not so sure. no, what i'm saying is, i think these echo's are memories triggered by actions...i wonder if the memory happens for both parties at the same time...is that why occasionally there is a look in the eye?

i have learnt many things from the last boy i loved. i learnt two years is a long time.
i learnt you can't force anyone into something that their heart isn't entirely in.
i learnt you can't change people.
i learnt how much it hurts to know he'd chose someone else over you.
i learnt how good a hug can feel.
i learnt that usually,, everything is as it seems, you don't have to go deeper.
i learnt that a drunk persons actions aren't neccassarily a sober persons thoughts.
i learnt how much it hurts to be in love.

i also learnt the value of friendship.
because we went through a lot. but still, you were there for me, and i am here for you. i learnt that i can do anything, if i really want to. i learnt that a smile can make someones day. i learned that you dont have to be doing something to be having fun.
i also learnt that sometimes it is better to be a friend, and know that just becuase someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean they dont love you with all they have.


i once wished i could make you as jealous as you have made me. i once wished that i could somehow hurt you as much as you hurt me with her. i once wished that i could make you feel how i felt. but i don't anymore. how can i, when you have given me so much.

from the bottom of my heart,
i love you

so i just gave away possibly the biggest opportunity of my life.
it took me a while to do it to be quite honest, cuz in my mind, i was thinking, what if it really IS the opportunity of a lifetime. but i eventually said no. Its only the opportunity of a lifetime if thats what i want to do, and where i want to be. and it is neither of those things, so i dont feel so bad now...

myspace is taking wayyyyy too long, just for the record.

i got a new tattoo, i'm not sure if i have already said that or not.
its just black, and about the size of my palm. its a swallow holding a flower on my chest. i am going to get a matching one on the other side too.

fuck the myspace technical group!

grrrr.
what else.
i miss tash.
god i miss that girl.

gabe is in sydney.
partying it up child?
of course.
i miss that kid too.

and i miss nat.
hopefully you are coming up here soon?
hopefully.

i love you.

i dont really have much worthwhile to say.
cow left his jumper here.

love

yes. thats what i said.
it makes you do stupid things.
impairs your thoughts.
hurts when they leave you.
fills you with anticipation and expectation.
makes you vulnerable and dependant.
leaves you wishing on shooting stars.
takes you too the lookout by yourself to sit and think.
wishes that they would be home already.
shows you what its like to care too much.
makes you wish you could change situations.

it lets you know you could be happy, if only the world wasn't standing in your way...
but would i give all this up?
not for one second...

we never kept our words
and did the things we said we should
no 20 calls a day
sometimes not even one in 20 days
but thats ok

the memories are ours
the moments that lasted for days
a life time compressed
into the word goodbye

we sat and watched the days go by
nothing would change
our friendship was invinsable
we were young, the world, our playground
but thats ok

the moments that lasted for days
the smile upon your face
the look in your eyes...
i'm ok with goodbye



i don't know. just random stuff.
boredom.

oh, had the best night last night. basically acted like a kid again... went up to bruxner (hehehe the lookout. *real mature jess*) and took sparklers and ran around like kids and spun till we felt dizzy and sick and looked at the harbour.
thankyou kiddo.
a million memories.


HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE.

thank jesus.


love

i blog way too much.
and i think way too much more than i blog.
anyways.

how is it possible that something is just lost.
its not there anymore.
like, you are sitting with someone you have known for ages, only too look a them and suddenly realise that you don't know who they are anymore. and that you weren't around when they changed.
there are those people that you grow and change with. the ones that no matter where you're headed, they'll be beside you. But how did it get to be that way? was there some silent test, some incedent we went through together that cemented us together? was is part of some "divine plan" so we will never be alone? were e soul mates in a past life, and now have reincarnated and have sought each other out, amoungst the billions of other people that there are in this world? All of these sound stupid, and all are as equally possible i guess. you, nor i for that matter, have no proof either way. We just have to believe it... i guess the part that i'm really interested in, is - what happens to the rest of them?

why do we drift. why do we grow out of people, places, things? and are we really GROWING out of them, or are we retreating away?

What happens if i grow out of you?




Oh that sounded so carrie bradshaw.
stoked.
wasn't even planned hehehe.


love

I am waiting to fall victim to your cruel steriotype. Perhaps, by averting your eyes, you are unable to see the dissapointment yu have become. Perhaps by picking out the faults and failures you have in someone else, it somehow makes you feel cleansed of them. Perhaps it shows you that you aren't alone in the world. Perhaps...

The closest i have ever come to your heart was through your mouth. You cannot tell me through words, do not say it with thoughtful gestures, cannot even wirte it, for fear that i might somehow find a way to hold it against you. Thats whats stopping you. really. Fear. You are afraid to let me know you, because it means you must know yourself. And i know you well enough to know that could be one of the last things in the world you want.

Every relationship is uneven. Someone always has stronger feelings. Someone gives, someone takes. I tried to make us even. Giving and taking. I would give a little and you would take it. And i would wait for you, but all you did instead was take my time...


love

-A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness
-A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person
-An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
-A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
-An expression of one's affection

How is it that one word can mean so much? one word can represent so many different feelings. i don't entirely understand... i never understood when someone said "sometimes its as if i need to know that at least you love me and then everything will be alright" i get that now. i don't know why, but i do.
Why do we regret love?
Why do we even love in the first place?

THE ONLY EXPERIENCES WE REGRET ARE THE ONES WE DO NOT HAVE

I guess that sums up how im feeling right now...

yeah.

i accpeted the america scholarship.i am so scared though. amazingly scared. i have never been this scared in my life. Never.
i feel sick with worry, fear and excitement all at the same time.
it is possible there are people that i won't be able to say goodbye too. actually i know there are people i will hate to say goodbye too.
even though its not forever.

i don't know what i have just gotten myself into.
i know i have to do this.
mainly because i don't know if i will be strong enough to do it.
i can hardly believe i have taken it.
it feels unreal.
it is all i can think of.
ohmigosh.

god i'm sorry nat. i really am. and i really will be there for you. as soon as i can. i guess i just need to prove this to myself. i don't know why.
perhaps i am sort of running away.
or running too.
i don't know anymore.

god alimighty, give me strength

APRILS FOOLS!
my friends are getting married today. really.

well.
sure am at work early, just so i can myspace. check emails and update my blog.
this kind of scraes me, thinking about nats blog about friendships we think we have, based on internet and things like that. i seriously think that with a lot of people, i find it easier to converse etc over the net, because there isn't really any pressure to appear a certain way.
i don't know if that makes sense, but yeah.

oh. something to show you:


i hope you all liike.

i really don't have much to say in this blog.
last night heather got off her chops, and i ended up having to shower her cuz she was too damn drunk to do it herself, and she threw up in the shower, so i have to wash it out. i also had to clean the house.

anthony came over thouh, which was so much fun, we played checkers and watched sex and the city and ate icrecream. man i miss doing things like that.

i want to go out to the promised lands tomoro, but gabe has something important he has to do, but cant remember what, and anthony can't go out till his foot is better =[ damnation!


love

p.s. nothing funny has happened so far. no pranks.
boring day

i am very indecisive in almost everything i do. i need someone else's seal of approval before i can confidently carry out any sort of task. or, in some cases, someones disproval. just an acknowledgement.

i guess, most would say that makes me highly self conscious and dependant. i will go to most any length to try and prove to myself this isn't true. even if i know it is a hopeless task.

i would die without my friends. quite literally. they are who i live for. they are my purpose in life. without them, i am left empty, and try and fill their space with pointless tasks, such as eating lots. which i then feel guilty for.

i hate the thought of not being able to help people. especially tash and alyce, becuase i know what it is like to be thrown into the middle of nowhere, and have no one know you, and feel like no ones listening. i know how it feels to see people stare at you, and to know that they have just been talking about you.

Issac is an idiot, and deserved every single word of that lecture that the guy said to him about calling people emo when he has no freakin idea what the word even means. I AM NOT YOURS TO JUDGE, NOR TO LABEL. i am not yours full stop.

i am in love with a boy who...

i don't regret anything i have ever done. everything i have done has made me who i am today. perhaps i could have done things differently, but i wont take it back.

i am scared for dani...

if i was a boy, i'd marry nat. and i have told her so. she is awesome. i don't know what i would do without her.

my dad is invincable. he will never die. i will die before he does, epsecially if it is for him. if he dies before me, my whole belief system will come crashing down, because i believe with all my heart that he is beyond this world, and nothing can hurt him. he will just get back up and keep swinging. the day he dies, my spirit dies. it scares me to think that. becuase i would hate him to know that i am that weak.

i would like to think a lot of people would read this blog. because i like feeling loved. i like attention. i can admit it. a lot probably wont though.

i have a complex about being an individual. trying so hard to be myself has made me just like everyone else.

the comedown that reality creates is worse than any illicit substance could create.
mainly because it occurs in your heart.
in my heart rather.
i doubt you are feeling it at all.
you don't even know you are my reality.
no regrets becuase i've got nothing to lose?
quite true.
except,
then reality would be way too real for me...
see, now i know it
but its not confirmed,
excpet by thousdands of little things you do
that i subconciously pick up on,
but still, i think, i cling on
to some misguided hope
of maybe one day?
but i doubt it.
because now i days are numbered.
and perhaps i shall tell you on the last one
because then i truelly will have nothing to lose.
it will all be lost
the moment goodbye is uttered.
the spell will be broken,
not by the fairy tale kiss that seems to end every happy story,
no,
the spell will be broken by the lack of one.
its ok though, because i know all this.
hence the reality of my heartache.
and really,
its not as pathetic as it may sound.
just pent up a lot is all...








i am moving. on wednesday. my parent shate me at the moment. they feel that i have left them out of an important decision i have made. but its my life. i don't care anymore.

i am running away. i'll admit it.

i love you.




love